Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Fly


FLY

“If I could only work here. “
Puran said it the moment they passed the quaint primary school. Unlike other school, this one didn’t have high walls. Instead it had tall trees for it's boundary, and one could hardly see the school building through those. Such was the atmosphere of the school that from the street, all one could hear was distant murmurs of children, which sounded much like the  chanting of Buddhist monks.

Vidhi knew it was coming, and she knew what she is going to say next. They had this conversation every day. It was like Puran and Vidhi were programmed to have this bit of conversation every day they drove past this landmark, on their way to her school. No matter how lost they were in their conversation, Puran would pause and say the same thing, with the same sense of loss. If sense of loss could be measured, then that sentence was its unit of measurement.

“Baba, you should work in this school!”

“Aah, some day, Ma...some day.”

Puran never called his daughter by her name. Instead, he called her Ma. But his indulgence for her as a child ended there. He talked and behaved with her as an adult. He loved his conversations with her. They could talk for hours at end, oblivious to the world.

“Yeah, someday your baba will fly too” Sujala, Puran’s wife, chuckled, sitting at the back seat.

Puran, and to his relief, even Vidhi, ignored her comment.

After a while Vidhi asked in all seriousness “you think you can you fly, baba?”

Vidhi liked asking him questions. And Puran loved answering them.

“I don’t know about flying, but our maharishis and monks insist human body can float in air. They say, that it’s worries and worldly business, which weighs the body down and once you are above and beyond it all, one can float. The scientists, of course, don’t believe in it. But then, it is a proven fact that human body becomes lighter at night. I guess, it is because in sleep, you let go of all your worries. So if at all, night is the best time to try to fly.”

“Baba, I think you should try flying!”

“Some night, Ma...some night.” Puran chuckled.

Puran and Sujala were married for 12 years. Theirs was a love marriage.  They were best friends since their school days in Kalimpong. 21 years ago, they came to the ‘city’, New Delhi, to get a college degree and eventually a career. They lived in a barsaati floor in Ber Sarai, with 3 other fellow students from their town.

And when they both landed internships, the two of them, Sujala and Puran, moved out to another, a better barsaati in R.K. Puram. 3 years later, they got married. Vidhi was born 4 years later. But exactly when their love started to slip out of their life, either of them couldn’t put a date or time to it. They both realised it’s not there anymore, but either didn’t dare talk about it. Instead, they ended up being courteous with each other. Either of them hardly ever raised their voice. And then Vidhi came, and they both got engrossed in bringing her up. Sujala, a perfect mother. Puran, a perfect friend. And it was time before Vidhi started being more and more friends with Puran. It’s not like Puran planned it. But he didn’t know any other way. He didn’t want to teach his daughter anything, but he liked being her hero.

Vidhi was the best friend he ever had. He loved talking to her, and got irriatated when anybody tried to butt into their conversations, even Sujala. Though he cloaked his irritation subtly and acted as if he’s listening to her. He waited for Vidhi’s attention to waiver from her mother and he would again hijack the conversation. And then the father and daughter would go back at it. Sujala, defeated would slink back in back seat and start texting her lover. Puran knew that Sujala was seeing someone but he didn’t care. He had Vidhi, and she’s all he ever needed.

And it was moments like these, that Puran, could not cloak the look of victory flushed over his face. He didn’t even try.

He turned his head to look ahead and caught Sujala on his rear view mirror, her face contorting into a scream. So engrossed was Puran talking to Vidhi that he didn’t realise he was approaching a red light. He slammed into his brakes but it was a bit late. His car screeched to a halt but still grazed into a stationary car.

Puran gathered himself and ensured Vidhi was unhurt. Thankfully she was. And to his own surprise, Puran was equally concerned if Sujala was alright.

And then he heard the screaming and beating on the glass window. He got out of the car to apologise but before he could say anything, the screaming man slapped Puran twice. Puran was too stunned to react. All he could hear was incoherent screaming of the man who was walking back to his car.

Puran came back and sat in the car. Sujala showed no emotion. Vidhi sat there quietly. Puran could not tell if she was horrified or disappointed. But he dare not ask. They drove quietly to her school. Puran always parked his car a little ahead of school gate as it was always crowded. Everyday, before getting off, they would shake hands vigorously, rocking them up and down. That day when Vidhi got down, Puran couldn’t offer his hand to shake. He wanted to, but he hesitated.  Vidhi showed no hesitation, she got off and walked towards the gate. Puran kept following her with his eyes, till Vidhi’s bobbing head disappeared in the milieu of kids rushing into the school gates. He could feel something burning inside him. For a long time he kept looking at the steering wheel and then when he finally looked up, he caught Sujala on rear view mirror, with a smirk dancing on her lips.

That evening, Unlike any other evening, Puran and Vidhi hardly spoke at dinner table. They did not watch t.v afterwards like they always did.

Sometime that night vidhi woke up to find baba floating over her room. Or was she dreaming.

The next morning, when the maid came to clean, she found Puran hanging from the ceiling fan in Vidhi’s room.

The Note



The Note

Note to self: Please don't make it sound pathetic.

Funny, a suicide note starts with a note. So, here it is. This is happening.

Maybe I should get myself a drink. It'll relax me. Help me loosen up, let the words flow easily. Maybe later, just before it is done. Right now, It’s too much effort to get out of the bed.

As soon as I’m done writing this note, I’m going to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills and sleep forever. I’ve never been much of a sleeper. In fact I have trouble sleeping. I hardly sleep, more so after i started living on my own. And when I do sleep, I sometimes choke on my own tongue. It gives me nightmares and i wake up with a cold sweat and cotton mouth. But after i'm done writing, i'm going to sleep, long and hard. This will be my final revenge against sleep.

I have often thought about killing myself. It always felt like the easier non-fussy way out. But i don't like the violence of it. There are times when i have stared at the ceiling fan for hours but never reached for a rope or a bed sheet to hang myself with. I have so many times looked at an approaching train but couldn't fling myself over. Guns are hard to come by, and if you do land yourself one, they make your exit swift but leave a very unappetising version of you behind.

If I die, it should be relaxing. That's the whole point of it. I am running away from the very life i chose for myself. The chaos and sadness of loneliness is what i  am running away from. So my last moments need not be of chaos, pain and struggle. Sleeping off the pills seems the best option. Though they say it can get messy. Your body has a natural tendency to protect itself. Put a substance in your body that it doesn't approve of and it tends to throw it out. Most people who die after consuming sleeping pills don't die in their sleep, but by choking on their own vomit. That wouldn’t make a pretty picture. Lying face down, drowning in the pool of my own vomit. But I’ll have to take that chance. talking of making a pretty picture, i should've cut my toe nails. They look coarse and uneven.

I hope i make a pretty corpse. I shall try to smile when i slip into coma. When my body starts shutting down, i hope i have my smile stiffened with other parts of my body. When they find my body, i should look happily sleeping. Smile on my face. Blanket over my toes.  

Maybe i should put on some music. maybe i should watch Raging Bull. I've always thought if i ever have a gun pointed to my head asked for one last wish, i'd know what i would want. I'd want to watch Raging Bull. But not now. That film fills me with hope every time i watch it. but then with me, hope doesn't last very long. A cigarette lasts longer than hope.

The Lady in Sympathy for lady vengeance had said, "everything should be beautiful. Even death." and i agree. Why does death have to be so pathetic. Why hardly there is any grace in it? you either die old, craggy and senile, or if you if you die young, it's always tragic. You never make a pretty corpse. I shall try to make one.

Nothing in life is romanticised more than misery.People feed on that sickness. Misery is sold across the counter. It makes platinum records, it runs to packed houses and screaming fans and autograph seeking mobs. One man's misery is another man's family vacation to Bahamas.  I don't want to romanticise it anymore.

The furniture seller I met yesterday said if I don’t call to seal the deal in a couple of days, he’s going to call me. Will he call? Will he be sad to know I killed myself? Will he be sad that he lost out on some business or will he be genuinely sad I died. He thought I was funny. He said so. I think he’s a good robust, hard working man who loves to laugh. I noticed he’s conscious of his tobacco stained teeth and looks down when he laughs, as if the joke's lying on the floor. maybe his wife told him he's got bad teeth. Wonder if she appreciates the hearty child like laughter he has. Women always like to tell you what you are not or what you could have been. When he hears I am gone, maybe at least, for some time, he won’t laugh at anything funny. Maybe he’ll light a cigarette and think about the conversation we had in those fifteen minutes at his workshop.

What a high it is to think that you’d be there in somebody’s mind even after you are not around. Maybe that’s why the great men and women do the great things that they do. Maybe most of them don't do it consciously, but they seal the deal, no doubt. But then the killers, the psychopaths, the mass murderers are remembered as well. If being remembered is a privilege, then you have a shot at it either way. it's people like me who are forgotten in a hurry. Hope my mother remembers me after i'm gone. I think she will. Though she has trouble remembering my name. She always calls me by my brother's. Well, unlike me, she has a choice. I can't call any other woman, mother. I wonder how she will remember me. Will she be embarrassed of me? hope, unlike others, she doesn't brandish me a quitter. Maybe it's too much to ask, but i hope she understands the choices i made. In life and in death. 

Who’ll keep my phone after I am gone. I think, mother should. Her phone is old and crappy. People often say I talk loud. They should hear me when I talk to her over phone. I have to shout my lungs out to be heard. I hope she doesn't call right now. Though how i wish this phone rang right now. If somebody just called to tell me that they went to watch a movie or a play, and they missed me there, how it reminded them of me. How they wished i was there, sharing that moment with them. Then maybe i won't feel this way. Maybe i won't kill myself. Aahh, the hope...

I should really get that drink now.